There's Never going to be a Happy Ending
by Tanya Reed
Summary: Regina's response to having her happiness taken away once again.


She just wanted the pain to stop.

The thought was tumbling around in her head as she entered her front door. The same thought had been the only coherent thing in a mind full of jumbled pictures and darkness on the long walk back from Granny's.

As she closed the door behind her and leaned weakly against it, the thought was finally joined by another. After over a year of fighting on the side of good, after becoming a hero, she still didn't deserve a happy ending. It was obvious that no matter what she did, no matter how she tried, she was not supposed to be happy. It wasn't going to get better. There was no hope.

Regina drew in a ragged breath, feeling it catch sharply in her chest. She forced it out and in again, ignoring the stinging in her eyes.

She'd been happy. For three whole days, she had finally captured that small wisp that had been eluding her her whole life. She'd allowed herself to start to believe happy endings were possible.

Now...Well, now, she was in her foyer in the dark, fighting tears and watching her world crumble down around her. It was enough to make her wish Zelena hadn't stopped her from putting herself to sleep so many months ago. Zelena and Robin.

She blinked rapidly and pushed herself away from the door. Stumbling a little, she made her way down the hallway to her living room. The room still smelled like him. Despite her pain, despite her useless anger, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She missed him already.

The light was bright when she turned it on. It stabbed into her eyes, and Regina welcomed it. It distracted her from the emotional distress that was shredding her soul. As the Evil Queen, Regina had learned to lock everything that touched her away in a small corner of her heart, but over the past twelve or thirteen years, Henry had chipped away at that armor. During this last year, it had fallen away completely and, now, when she needed it most, she couldn't find it. Pain pulsed with every beat of her heart, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Well, almost nothing.

Regina frowned and walked over to the couch. She settled onto it wearily, remembering that the last time she'd been there, she'd been kissing Robin. Her lips burned with the memory. Her lower lip stung as she bit it, steeling herself against him. She would not crumple. It was obvious what she had to do now, if she could just find the strength to do it.

Her mind went back to when she first lost Henry. She'd tried to temporarily rid herself of the pain twice but was stopped both times. There was no one to stop her now.

Gritting her teeth, because it hurt like hell every time she did this, Regina reached inside her chest. She put her hand around her heart and paused, letting the vibrations from each beat travel through her fingers and up her arm.

It was a mystery to her how it kept beating. No matter what happened to it, no matter how many times it was broken, it just kept on going. It's mission was to survive, and it had survived the best it could for sixty years. It was the very definition of a true hero, and it was too bad that it got stuck with Regina for a host. It deserved so much better.

When the agony became too intense, Regina had to relent and take her hand from her chest. She took her heart with it.

It didn't look like much. It was just a small lump of red shot with black and gray. There was a lot less shadow now, even less than the last time she'd looked. Regina guessed that was the white magic's doing. It ran through her veins now and would probably remain as long as she did nothing vengeful.

She had been tempted. In the first moments after Robin and Roland had turned from her, Regina had wanted to lash out. As she growled at Emma Swan, she could feel the magic crackling just under her skin. It wanted to get out, to level everything and everyone in that stupid town. The impulse had lasted only a moment. For better or worse, Regina wasn't that woman anymore. Yesterday, she'd been a hero, and the effects of it lingered on. She would not risk Henry's love for anger or hatred. She'd let the pain kill her first.

Regina almost smirked as she continued to study her heart. Dark amusement touched her briefly when she realized that what she was doing meant that it would. Before, she would have wanted to preserve this thing-this warm, beating thing that held all of her innocence, all of her evil, all of her love, and all of her sacrifice. Somehow, in spite of everything she'd believed better times were coming. She'd believed that if she worked hard enough, a happy ending would come to her. It's why she wanted to bury her heart, why she wanted to sleep away the pain of missing Henry. Eventually, she'd get her heart back or wake and she'd be happy.

She didn't believe anymore. If turning her life around and becoming a hero wasn't enough to merit a happy ending, then she'd never be good enough. She was destined to watch the people around her find their happiness while it slipped through her fingers over and over again. There was no hope. This pain was her future just as much as it was her past, and she didn't want to feel it anymore.

Regina looked her heart over absently, her eyes searching for the multitude of cracks that should mar its surface. There were none. Seeing it like this, someone might assume that it was whole. The jagged edges weren't visible to the eye, but Regina felt them all the same.

Swallowing hard, she tightened her hand slightly. There was an answering sharp tightness in her chest and she welcomed the sensation. She squeezed again, harder this time, hissing at the physical pain.

She wondered what it would feel like when she crushed it. Would there be a sweet blackness that came and took all the hurt away? Would she regret it even as the life went out of her body? She doubted it. There was really nothing for her to live for. Henry had Emma. He would mourn Regina's passing, but in time he'd forget her. And she would die with him believing her to be a hero.

Regina closed her eyes and listened to the beating of her heart. She let her breath fall into the rhythm of its pulsing. Soon, there would be peace. She'd be with Daniel, either in sleep or in some glorious afterlife. It would be wonderful. No one would miss her. She wouldn't cause anyone pain and they wouldn't be able to hurt her back. Opening her eyes, she took a deep breath.

Agony caused her to gasp as she squeezed her heart, intent on dying slowly to make up for her sins. Her world blackened around the edges and in the narrow focus she had left, she saw Snow White. Snow's face was pale and stricken and it caused Regina's hand to unclench.

"Damn," she mumbled.

This wasn't how good people died. They kept on fighting the good fight even when there was no hope. Though she had been dragged to the side of good kicking and screaming, Regina was one of them now. Both Henry and Snow would be devastated by her death. They both loved her, even though Regina had no idea why. Grudgingly, she had to admit that over the past year, she'd come to realize that she loved Snow as well. Besides Henry, she was the only family Regina had.

Guilt for wanting to end it all welled up in her. Running from her feelings had been a trademark of the old Regina. Did she really want to fall back into those habits again?

The peace still called to her. It would be so easy to make the end to her pain permanent, but then Henry's last memory of her would be knowing she'd taken her own life.

Regina looked at her heart with disgust. Those red spots were going to be a major problem, she could tell already. She'd give it another day to see what happened. Maybe the morning would shed new light on things. Maybe everything would hurt a little less.

Decision made, Regina placed her heart on the coffee table. She didn't even consider putting it away or burying it. What was the use? It meant nothing to her now.

Feeling suddenly exhausted, she made her way upstairs to take a shower and go to bed. Deep inside, she hoped she'd find a reason to start fighting again, but for now she just wanted to drown in the peace of sleep.

Tomorrow would have to take care of itself. 


End file.
